You Know I Hate Myself
by Kandalyn Kohl
Summary: Bella is bullied at school, occasionally abused by Charlie, and has become depressed. She turns to cutting herself, believing it to be the only way she can make herself feel anything. But what will happen when fate throws her straight into the path of the Cullens? Trigger Warning for self harm.
1. Chapter One: And I Cut Myself to Feel

**Hello...well this is my first fan fic, probably real shitty so hate on me if you like. The characters are really out of character in this one, I know. **

**Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own Twilight, if I did I wouldn't have let it get turned into a crappy movie that does no justice to Stephanie Meyer's genius!**

**Enjoy the story I guess?**

**Chapter One: And I Cut Myself to Feel**

_"And I cut myself so I could feel something I know is not a lie." -Marianas Trench, Say Anything._

Bella POV

I gripped the side of the bathtub with one hand, my other hand dripping blood onto the floor of the tub. I normally didn't cut in the mornings; the close proximity to the beginning of school made it harder to face everyone with my usual feigned indifference.

But now I was awake and alert, no longer submerged in the numbness that I had slowly grown to hate in myself. As I lost pieces of my life bit by bit, the cutting became the only thing I could feel, the only thing that told me that I was alive. That any of this was real.

Not that I didn't feel it. The beatings. The whispered rumors and taunting. Missing my mother. Long story short, I hate my life, my life hates me, and I don't have the guts to end all the shit.

I clean up the blood and pull on some clothes, then head downstairs. To my relief, Charlie was not in the kitchen, which enabled me to head out the back door. The thing about Charlie was that if he wasn't drunk, angry, pissed, or all of the above, it was possible to avoid his wrath by staying well out of his way.

That meant out of the house if possible.

It was raining again, but that was typical Forks weather to you. I liked Arizona better, but when my mother, a cocaine addict, committed suicide, I was sent to Forks to live with Charlie. Sometimes I wanted to hate, or at least blame my mother and her many problems for condemning me to life in a rainy, miserable hell, but I knew enough of her despair to be able to forgive her.

The murmuring began the second I stepped into the parking lot. I bowed my head slightly, letting my brown hair fall to hide my face.

_There goes the emo whore._

_Skinny ass cunt._

_Didn't your brother see her hanging around the trashier parts of town last weekend?_

I don't say anything at all, but when I reach the main corridor I head straight for the nearest washroom. It was a shitty idea to cut this morning. It was an even shittier idea to come to school at all this morning.

_I am such an idiot. Such a stupid idiot. _

Trying to silence the voices in my head, I break into a run down an empty hall. Just as I turn a corner, I run straight into a short black haired girl and fall against the floor, dropping my bag.

"Damnit! Oh, shoot, I'm so sorry.." I scramble back onto my feet, ignoring the old injuries that scream at the impact. Fuck, it was like running into a concrete wall!

As I straighten up, I suddenly become aware of two things. One, that I fell on my arm. Two, my arm is now bleeding.

_Oh..Fuck._

**Thats the first chapter! *whew* gosh that was hard to write seriously if anyone tells you its easy to write this stuff it ISN'T they are probably some sort of literary cyborg and should not be trusted.**

I hope to get the next chapter up soon, it would be really nice if you could rate and review on what I could improve on or how you want to see the story play out!

**-Kandice**


	2. Chapter 2: I Breathe Disaster

**Hello again! Thank you so much to everyone who faved/followed/reviewed, appreciating it from the bottom of my heart!  
In response to a comment in the reviews: Yes, I am aware that this story is OOC to, uh, basically the nth degree? Okay, I admit that this wont be as much of a fanfic per se, than it is a ripping off of the setting and a *shameless* exploitation of the Twilight characters..I know, I should try writing more original fics and I have tried, but it is really, really difficult to come up with a believable set of characters, setting, and all that. Gosh I'm so lazy... :P**

**Just to clarify: In this story the Cullens are new to Forks, Bella has lived in Forks for a while already prior to the start of the story. Oh, and yes, another MTrench title..**

**Chapter Two: I Breathe Disaster**

Edward POV

With a slight sigh, I follow Alice and Jasper down the empty hall. Alice led the way in her typical exuberant fashion, hopping in front of Jasper as silently as any of us. It seemed that Jasper was holding up well in the new environment. Between what I gathered from Alice's foresight and Jasper's thoughts, he would be fine, so Rosalie and Emmett had gone their own way.

My head was a different story, though. The school had received us with the usual amount of mental atention, and sadly I was the target of most of this, being single. Listening to all this...mental interference, if you will, was very unpleasant.

Thankfully, both my sibling's minds were relatively quiet. Alice was casually optimistic about the day, while Jasper was actually somewhat blank.

Then Alice's vision, urgent and alarming, flashes into my head just as we reach the end of the hall. As soon as I see it I realize that it can not be prevented.

Alive stops, but the other girl is oblivious. Acting fast, I grab Jasper.

"Get out. You need to get out of here NOW."

Even at a supernatural speed, this comes too late. Only a moment after understanding comes into Jasper's eyes they cloud with the thirst that we have all come to know too well, and I know that the scent has already reached him.

Alice stands in front of me, her small frame shielding the girl, who is not getting up from the floor. I find myself wondering almost idly if Jasper's thirst will really be strong enough to drive him against Alice.

Unfortunately, I soon get my answer. Jasper charges us both, and as Alice moves to block him off I half-tackle him and fling him into a metal door frame before he can attack me. The impact dents the door, but it is fortunate for all three of us- Alice, myself, and the girl- that the sudden urge was sufficient enough to override Jasper's logical fighting senses for the moment.

As Jasper jumps to his feet, Alice's voice flits into my head.

_Edward, I'll get this._

"No." I mutter, as quietly as I can. The last time it took both Emmett and myself to deal with Jasper; Alice's plan to deal with Jasper alone is utterly pointless. And there is also the small matter of the girl who is still standing there, looking terrified.

_Well, she should be._

Alice struggles furiously with Jasper, her litheness doing well against Jasper's basic tactics. I move to help her, so together we pin Jasper against the door, eyes dark and snarling terribly. Each time I see Jasper like this I understand Carlisle a little more, understand how despicable our natural ways must seem to him.

Alice, mentally thanking me, has begun to speak to Jasper.

"Calm down. Listen to me, Jasper. Jasper! Calm down..." It is somewhat ironic that Jasper can control the feelings of others, but has this amount of difficulty controlling his thirst. His thrashing lessens only slightly, but he is obviously nowhere near regaining his senses.

_I'll get a hold of Emmett and Rosalie._

I nod, set my teeth, and hold Jasper down more firmly while Alice dials.

"Emmett, bring Rosalie and get down here _right now._ Jaspers...lost it." Nice way to put it.

They arrive, and with Alice's help drag Emmett out. Rosalie notices the girl but only has time for a slightly accusatory glare before she becomes preoccupied with the situation.

I turn to the girl, holding my breath against the scent of blood that the fight with Jasper had distracted me from. What was I supposed to do with her?

Then a plan forms itself in the back of my mind.

"Are you alright? You're bleeding. Let me drive you to the hospital."

Yes, to the hospital, where Carlisle could help deal with this mess.

**If anyone feels like complaining that Edward seems very indifferent towards Bella right now, don't! I wont all be like that...**

**Next chapter should be up next week or sooner. Oh, and by the way, my Naruto oneshot is up if there are any Naruto fans reading this. :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**This is going to be a short chapter..Usually if I'm writing something longer this is the point at which problems start coming up. Because this is the point where I actually have to sit my ass down and deal with all those problems with the plot!**

Chapter Three

Bella POV

Panic over the spilled blood blinds me for a few moments, and I can't hear anything but that little voice in my head scolding me for being such a careless idiot. Gently pressing my hand against the cuts, I try to stop the blood. Then I look up/

_What in the fucking world?_

A bronze haired boy and the girl I walked into are grappling with a blonde boy who is snarling back at them. Their movements are so quick, its hard to keep up with them. But the thing that scares me the most is the look on the blonde's face.

Features that would otherwise have been attractive were twisted into an inhuman mask of malice.

Then two more people enter and drag him away. One of them, a tall blonde girl, glares at me as she leaves, a hint of accusation in her glance.

I flinch, confused. The three are gone; the whole incident from my fall to their leaving couldn't have taken more than one are two minutes. It's so silent now, it made me wonder if I had imagined it all.

"Are you alright? You're bleeding. Let me drive you to the hospital."

"Uh...what?" The voice startles me back into the present. The bronze haired boy is standing in front of me, a slightly scrutinizing look on his otherwise emotionless face.

"Oh. No. Thank you..I'm fine." The last thing I needed was someone to find out about those neat rows of still bleeding cuts up my arm.

***Sigh* Well chapter four is in the works, and I promise it will be a good departure from what we've seen up to now. Or at least thats what I think...**

**If anyone has any ideas about where the story could go from here, please let me know in the reviews!**


	4. Chapter 4: Alice

**Enjoy the new POV! ****And thank you to all the lovely people who reviewed, especially those who offered ideas for the plot, "Leila" and the mysterious "Guest".**

Chapter Four

Alice POV

The three of us-Rosalie, Emmett and I- managed to get Jasper out into the fresh air with minimal difficulty. It didn't take him very long to regain his better judgement; In a few moments he was in control of himself again.

My disappointment over the whole incident showed plainly, and I wasn't trying to hide it.

"Really, Jasper? I thought it would get easier for you...after all, its been a while."

Jasper looks up, his face carefully devoid of emotion.

"I'm sorry. Emmett, Rose, was it a lot of trouble."

"Oh, less than last time." Emmett grins and cracks his knuckles, earning him a few disapproving glances from Rosalie.

Unfortunately, Rosalie turns to me next.

"Alice. This time its you're to blame. Didn't you see anything about this?"

Crap. It seemed that Rosalie had already put two and two together. All too often I found myself wishing that "dumb blonde" applied to out kind.

I sigh, casting a regretful look at towards the general direction of the building. Rosalie taps a foot impatiently, expecting a response. When I don't offer one, she continues.

"This. Is. Not. Good. That girl, she saw the whole thing, didn't she? What do we do with her?"

"Rose. This is the twenty-first century. That sort of thing isn't as easy anymore." Japser's voice is gentle, but there's a slightly reprimanding edge in it that Rosalie will not appreciate. I break in, hoping to avert the impending arguement.

"Alright, okay. We'll discuss this with Carlisle and Esme tonight. Jasper, I don't think it would matter much if you spent the rest of the day at home."

"Tonight? You've got t be kidding. Half the school will hear of this by then."

Jasper nods at me, and I close my eyes, focusing my thoughts onto the future. What I see is not at all expected, and my eyes fly open in shock.

_Edward and...who the heck is that?_

"Alice?" Japser stares at me, concerned.

"I'm fine. Give me a minute."

Clearing the vision from my mind, I concentrate on the rest of the day. Then I open m eyes again with a grim satisfaction. I was not looking forward to the meeting tonight, which Rosalie was sure to make unpleasant.

"It'll be fine. The girl wont talk."

"I know, its hard, but it takes time, right? Don't be too hard on yourself."

"Just don't count the centuries for me." Jasper mutters, slightly bitter. I'm not sure what to say to that, so I get out my car keys and start for the parking lot.

"Nobody said that it would take centuries", I say, in what I hope is a lighter tone than his.

Back in my car, I take a moment to think over my previous visions. Were they even possible? For all the effort I had put into learning about the girl's future, there was nothing particularly happy about it.

Other than that one, small possibility that she could be Edward Cullen's soul mate.

Pushing that thought away, I start the car and head for the hospital, in the hopes of forewarning Carlisle.

**:) This was a *fun* chapter for me to write; Hope you liked it too. Should I write more Alice POVs? To be honest, its more comfortable to write in her "mind" than to write from Edward's (awkward). Let me know :D**


	5. Chapter Four: Filler Chapter

_**Sigh. **_**I wrote the entire of what I thought would be a chapter five, then I read it over and realized that there was a weird time skip between Chapter Four and what I wanted as Chapter Five. So here is a quick 4.5 to fill in the gap.**

Chapter 4.5

Edward POV

"No. I'm fine, really. Thank you." She attempted a smile, then began to walk away.

What was I supposed to say? Instinctively, I began to search her mind for anything that could change her mind. Surprisingly, I found that I could not hear her thoughts at all.

She was nearly at the other end of the all now. I catch up to her easily, in a few strides. The girl turns around with a slightly questioning look.

"I-"

_What was I doing?_

"I didn't ask your name. That was rude of me."

If my blunt question (statement?) confused her, she didn't show it. Only a hint of anxiety was noticeable on her features as a smile played across her lips.

"Bella Swan."

For the first time I got a good look at her face. Bella had delicate, pale features that reminded one of a fragile object, perhaps a porcelain doll. Her hair was long, brown, and now that I had overcome the scent of blood, she smelled more like strawberries.

I realized then that I had heard of her through other people's thoughts, but I had difficulty connecting their opinions of her to the girl I was speaking to now.

"I'm Edward Cullen," I offered, trying harder to lose the cold tone.

"Are you new here? I don't think I've seen you before." She blushed, looking down as if fearing that she'd said too much.

I answered with the smoothness that decades of the same statements had given me.

"My family has jut moved to Forks."

As a bell sounded above us, other students began to pour into the hallway. I winced slightly as their thoughts and voices flitted into my mind.

_Looks like Isabella Marie thinks she has a chance with the hot new guy._

_Whats the emo slut doing, flirting with Edward Cullen?_

_So the resident whore is trying to get off on every new guy who moves to Forks?_

Bella stands still for a moment, then walks slowly down the end of the hall, a faintly miserable look on her face. Disgusted by their talk, I turn on my way towards the exit, readying myself for the torrents of unholy fire that Rosalie was probably preparing for me.

Bella POV

A lengthy history of enduring the murmurs of others meant that I was slightly desensitized by them, but I still found it unfortunate that Edward had to hear it all.

_A minute after meeting the only person in Forks who has no bad opinions about you, he thinks you're a slut._

Still, it was a close call. I would have done anything to keep my self harm a secret.

_As if I'd want to throw them something else to talk about._


	6. Chapter 5

**This is a little soon..but.  
Enjoy the new chapter! And happy Valentine's day, if that's your thing, with *love?* from the most jaded Valentines day hater EVER.**

**Chapter Five**

Edward POV

Carlisle would be home in an hour or two, which was a relief, because I was hoping that his presence would calm Rosalie down. For the better part of the evening she had been directing a mental barrage of yelling at Alice, Jasper and myself.

_You and your useless gift. You can't even see something that simple coming. Oh, and you stayed behind and talked to her, didn't you? That was the perfect opportunity, and you didn't take it, you moron!_

I sigh, annoyed, but feel a pang of guilt creep up on me. With my ability and Alice's talent combined, shouldn't have we been able to prevent something like this? As my mind wanders again, I catch myself thinking about her.

Isabella Marie. Bella.

I was unable to read her mind in any way, and that in itself was intriguing. Although it made me question my abilities a little, it-

The front door opens quietly downstairs. I can hear everyone else gathering into the dining room, sitting around the table that was reserved for such purposes.

It became clear from the moment I entered the room that two very clear sides had already been taken. Amazingly, though, I found that Jasper was with Rosalie in her stand to, well, do away with Bella. I supposed that it was his guilt that made him want to take such an action to absolve his blame, but it was odd, seeing that Rosalie still held him accountable for the incident.

Rosalie began before Carlisle had a chance to speak.

"Carlisle. Let me handle this. You know that I have excellent self control. I wont leave any evidence behind me."

I snarled. "Yes, we all know what a proficient assassin you are.

Jasper nodded, but in agreement to Rosalie.

"Shes right. We cant afford to leave actual evidence behind us in a human. As the cause of this incident I take full responsibility..."

Alice gasps, horrified.

"Jasper! You wouldn't..."

Carlisle seems grim, but decided. "I understand your wish to take responsibility for this, but we can not have this girl, an innocent, murdered in cold blood."

Rosalie glares, ready to argue her position. "Think about what Jasper said! We've left rumours behind us before, but never a witness! Never actual evidence!"

Alice turns towards me slightly. _We need to convince them that Bella wont talk._

Apparently, Alice is aware that I am against Rosalie and and Jasper. And Emmett, I suppose. Naturally, Emmett would support Rosalie. I raise my eyebrows slightly, and Alive understands.

_How?_

Her frustration begins to climb. She knows that I am unable to read Bella's mind, so we must go on her visions alone. She shows me several, a sad look on her face.

A few looks is all it takes. Suppressing emotions that I thought were extinct to me, I speak up again.

"Alice and I can assure you that no harm will come of letting Bella be."

Of course, Rosalie isn't convinced.

"You think so? People these days. Couldn't shut them up without soldering their kips together."

Alice rolls her eyes. _I wish we could find a way to do this without revealing her history, but I don't think we can. _She turns to Carlisle and Esme, but takes time to shoot Jasper a reproachful look.

"Bella is mistreated by her father and most of the people at school. Even if she wanted to say something about this, she wouldn't have anyone to say it to. Besides, she is an introvert."

Thankfully, Rosalie calms down.

"You should have been more careful. But on the other hand, who would have known that the girl would get hurt?" She muses, trying to personally exonerate Jasper.

Esme looks concerned. "Is she alright?"

Carlisle shakes his head. "You should have brought her to me, Edward."

"Well, it wasn't our fault, really" Alice begins. I realize what she is going o say, but she continues before I can interrupt. "The wounds were from before the incident. They were self inflicted."

**Review and let me know what you think! Next chapter will be out next week.**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Six

Edward POV

Immediately I jump to my feet, indignant for no apparent reason.

"Didn't we agree to protect Bella as much as possible?"

Alice looks up innocently.

"I only thought it would be best if Carlisle knew. That sort of thing is, well..." Her voice trails off, and old, human memories of past images surface her mind. She shakes them off as I try to distract myself from seeing them. "DId I really say that? I mean..." My mind computes my earlier words and I realize what I said.

"Oh." Hurriedly, I try to come up with an explanation. Damnit, lying to humans is easy. Contact lenses, foreign education, adoption...Lying to my "family", though, is a difficult task.

"Don't bother with it, Edward. Anyway, I didn't mean for it to come across that way. I do care about Bella, you know." A slightly conspicuous smile flits over her face. "Bella and I are going to be very good friends in the future."

We all stare at her this time, uncomprehendingly. It was Rosalie who broke the confused silence.

"Well, if you had spoken of her _problems _earlier it would have been quite helpful. It would have been easy to write off her death as suicide."

Everyone but Emmett immediately turned on her.

"Rosalie...how _could _ you be so callous?"

"Thats just cruel, and unnecessary."

Even Jasper shakes his head in disapproval. Rosalie glares at Alice, more accusation in her eyes.

"You sympathize too much with the humans."

Esme speaks up, her warm eyes filled with emotion that would melt any heart.

"Don't forget what we all were, once."

At this Rosalie retreats sullenly. Carlisle gets up as well, and the rest of us slowly scatter around the house, now that the meeting is over. Alice remains, grinning at me.

"Well, that turned out well, didn't it?"

I groan inwardly, then force a reply.

"Sure, sure. Rosalie will be sore for a week."

Alice doesn't lose a drop of her countenance.

"Ah, well. We did what we should have, anyway." Then, a muttered afterthought. "And protected the future, thank goodness."

"...What?"

Alice's thoughts shift wildly in an obvious attempt at internal distraction. Or, should I say, to distract me from the subject of her thoughts. A moment or two later, they become clear, and I discover what Alice tries hurriedly to hide.

"What the...I'm going to...what? I'm going to fall in love with her?"

Several gasps echo down from the hallway, and I don't even bother trying to pick out who they belonged to. Then a whisper.

"Fall for her? Fall in love with a human?"

Esme's voice. Of course they heard, of course they all heard...

"And this is decided?" Alice again shifts uncomfortably.

"Not entirely...no...there is the other possibility..." After a brief mental struggle this other possibility lies uncovered. I gasp, appalled at the sight.

"Heaven forbid..."

**Thanks to vampirelady13 for the "verbal" kick in the ass ^^ not rude at all I also hate it when people don't finish their stories...but once we start writing we discover our inner hypocrites unfortunately.**

**I must apologize for the long wait. At the time that I first posted this story I was quite a terrible writer. I began writing in a style, voice, and POV that I was not familiar with or experienced with, and the OOC was a reflection of certain problems I was having at the time (which may or may not come as a surprise to you guys). A one-shot (**** s/10080209/1/Neji-s-Sacrifice**) and a nearly completed fic (** s/10214076/1/And-in-the-Dead-of-Quiet**) later I feel as if I've matured a bit as a writer, as they were both in tones I were comfortable with, so this story feels a bit like little me biting off way more than I can chew.

**Maybe a lot of you guys have already given up on this story. If so, I don't really get the point of continuing it, though I probably should finish whatever shit I stir up. Let me know if you guys are still waiting...**


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